Dear Beast Mode…

We have had a long relationship. Even before I knew your name I was in love with you. I loved the idea of pushing to the breaking point, sacrificing sleep, training tired, setting aside the pain for the glory at the end. I loved every minute of you, but after all our years together it is time to let you go. It is time to move on and to truly love myself for me.

Beast Mode, I know we go back as far as I can remember. As a teenager, I trained to live and lived to compete, you stuck with me through college and then we had a bit of a lull in our relationship for a few years. I know you remember those years, but still, you were there making sure I put all my efforts into work and not allowing me to step back and breathe. We rekindled our relationship over seven years ago when I found obstacle racing; you became my life. You pushed me to succeed; you really got me to wake up out of a sleep of contentment and see I was capable of more.

I loved it, and I loved you, deeply. But you came with a cost, in the continual push to succeed and push to be more “beast mode” I lost some things. I lost friends. I lost sleep (a lot of it and for years). I lost perspective. I lost balance (although you would argue it was never there to begin with). In the process, I lost myself while enraptured in your embrace.

Yes, you taught me how to suffer through the pain. You did teach me to succeed. We pulled all my efforts into a singular goal, winning. You taught me discipline; you helped me try new things and meet new people. I still appreciate you for that and will forever be grateful for our time together.

BUT HERE IS THE THING…

I moved on. You were my drug; you became my obsession and in the process, I took it too far. Way too far at times. You and your friends STFU, Toughen Up, DFQ, and the rest of the gang were fun to hang out with; we did some extreme $H^T together. But in the end, it was all too much. I ended up pretty broken, physically and mentally. I might still do epic stuff but it will be on my own terms now, not yours.

For years, you and the gang helped induce insomnia, extreme stress, and eventually injury. It’s taken me years to see our relationship in its entirety both the good and the bad. Unfortunately, the scale seemed to have tipped to the side of bad, at least for my health.

I am here, years later, after much deliberation (and a lot of research), and I have to say we are over.

WHY?

There are so many “whys” as to why this relationship has come to an end. I have learned that sleep is critical, and I need more of it to be the best version of me. I need to not feel your pressure to “be badass” and no longer create a life that is superficially based on what my next blog post or social media post could be. Simply, I need to be more, ME. More authentically me!

Maybe one day we can chase that 100-mile ultramarathon or podium together but only as friends, I just can’t get that close again. I can’t alienate everyone around me just to be wrapped in your arms of seduction. You made me feel like a champ, and you helped me to achieve a level of sport I had always dreamed of. But I lost a part of myself in the process. I lost a piece of me. Now, slowly I am picking up the pieces of our broken relationship and picking of the pieces of myself in the process. I finally realize I don’t need you in my life anymore.

I can be happy without you. I refuse to apologize to you when I decide not to go to the gym or decide to sleep late. I just need more “me time” and need to take care of me first. I’m sorry this is so harsh, but I needed to get this off my back and tell you.

Since we have started to drift apart, I have found other activities to fill the void in my life. At first, it was scary. I had to stop and ask myself what I truly wanted. Not what you wanted for me. I had to dig deep, look at the good and the bad, analyze it all. It was hard but after much deliberation, I have to say, It’s over.

I thank you for our time together. You taught me so much about myself, but it is over. It has to be. You will get over me quickly, you probably already have, you were always good like that. I love you and thank you for all you did for me. Thank you for our time together, but it’s time for me to move on. Time for me to put ME first and find the healthiest and happiest version of myself.

Sincerely,

Me.