Quitting the Race
I could come up with 100 excuses for quitting the race, I could blame my macerated feet, my ailing hips, my blah blah blah and go on for a million reasons. I could blame the space in-between my two ears. But really the reason I dropped so early was about heart. My heart was not in this race, it hadn’t been for months. I knew it deep down but wasn’t allowing myself to believe it. Early on in the race in the midst of one of the burpee sessions I stepped away from my group for a moment and sought out Joe and Andy. I took a few moments with Joe and Andy and asked them how much they wanted me to finish. It was in this moment Joe told me if I wanted to quit I had to talk to him first. That was the moment I realized I was doing the race for all the wrong reasons.
I spent the entire night trying to convince myself I wanted to race as the night progressed it became more and more evident I wasn’t racing for me. I tried and tried to get my head in the game. Somewhere in the middle of the night I realized I was doing this because everyone wanted me to and my greatest fear in the race was never not finishing but letting down all those who wanted to see me finish. My own desire to finish had taken a backseat to those around me’s desire for me to finish.
For the past two weeks I have literally not been able to go anywhere without people wishing me luck in the race or saying I was going to take it home. The pressure I had on my was felt from a mile away. The well wishes before the race from friends, family, current and former athletes, blog readers, and even other racers placing bets on me taking the whole thing. I could not get a cup of coffee in town without having people asking if I was ready for the race. I know everyones intentions were meant in only the best way but the pressure mounted and my interest in actually racing wained.
So maybe the Death Race defeated me, some will probably read it that way but for me it was the first time I took a real stand and walked away from something when I didn’t have my heart in it. I wasn’t doing it for me. When I finally realized this late into the evening, I knew I had two options keep going and do what everyone else wanted and expected me to do or I could do what I wanted to do and be my own person and stop racing.
At some point in the night the light clicked on in my head and I realized I didn’t need to continue to race I had nothing to prove. In the last year I had completely changed my life and didn’t need a race to validate what I do in life. It was while carrying buckets of gravel I knew what I needed to do. I had my cameraman with me following and filming all night he and I sat by the lake and discussed my options. He knew I wasn’t in it and was supportive of whatever I wanted to do. It was around this point emotions took over.
As I walked down the hill towards Andy knowing what I was about to say in front of all my peers and many of my closest friends it was hard to hold back the tears. I picked up my bucket and handed it to Andy and told him I didn’t need it anymore and that I was out of the race. He said, “Really?? Are you sure?”. This is when I started to cry and my sense of disappoint to everyone overwhelmed me. He asked again if I was sure, I knew I was.
A few minutes later Andy handed me a beer and I started to relax and composed myself. I pulled my gear together and headed up the driveway having to pass some of my closest friends and tell them I was out. This was the hardest part telling people who had thought I would go all the way that I had let them down and quit. As we sat and waited for the van I headed back to the camp to make sure it was coming and that’s when I ran into Joe.
Conversation with Joe
I had broken the unwritten rule Joe and I had made before the race, I had stopped listening to him and had hadn’t talked to him before I quite. The first thing he asked was if I had done all the tasks, I had. Then the second thing he said was I didn’t quit. We had a conversation and I found myself pulling my gear together and literally running past competitors with him. I was back in the race for a short time. I continued to race for a few more miles heading back towards Pittsfield.
I got to the point on the trail where it was just me by myself no one else around and that’s when I knew the decision to quit had been the right one. I turned around, texted my boyfriend to make sure the van didn’t leave from the camp without me and ran back with a smile on my face for the first time since Thursday. I spoke with Jack Carey briefly on the way down and he had never heard of someone quitting three times before. At least I gave them a Death Race first!
CONCLUSION
People do the Death Race for many reasons, and many are the right reasons. I was racing for all the wrong reasons. I learned you can’t race a race because someone else wants you to do it. You have to have the fire and passion from within to race and especially with the Death Race to succeed and finish. As I said before Joe and Andy said I would learn something about myself in this race and something I learned.
If you aren’t racing for yourself and the love of the race then you have nothing and all you are left with is a hollow experience. The heart needs to be there and mine just wasn’t. To all those who I met during the race you are all great and wonderful. I loved spending time with friends old and new. And finally thank my boyfriend who acted as cameraman for me and followed me in the woods for almost 24 hours and about thirty miles.
I regret nothing from this race and took away many great lessons. Some may still not understand my reasons for quitting, some will call me weak, people draw their own conclusions. I think only other races will truly understand what it is like. I hated quitting but would have hated it more if I had continued use because someone wanted me to do it. This post was extremely hard to write and even harder to live through, to those who saw me right after I quit and didn’t understand you now know the reason. I didn’t need to explain it but it’s an important part of my journey in life.
However, my Death Race experience wouldn’t end for another couple days.
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Right out of my head
and my heart
Lynn you know me well!
Thank you for sharing an important reminder about racing and following your heart. You are an huge inspiration and will continue to be. Well done!!
Thank you Sarah
Glad to know you weren’t hurt which is what I thought when I read you where out. Even happier that you are Okay with your choice & it sounds like from the cliff hanger you left- your about to have some fun- which is what every race should be about. You did awesome & made it further than I ever would- way to go!!
OH Amanda it was an adventure after the race was over. Check out the final installment of the race recap.
God I couldn’t adore you more sweets
Michelle you are the best!
i’m relieved to know you’re human. it’s commendable that you followed your heart and gave your readers a story. i think you’ll find people are drawn more to your heart and story than how well you did in any race.
Definitely Human Johnnytrashbike, thats for sure
M,
It is refreshing to know you followed your heart and did what you needed to do for YOU against what the popular opinion was in regards to you racing. I’m sure that was far harder than anything the DR could’ve thrown at you! I bet you’ll find more people proud of you now:)
Thanks Fergus for the support
You’re so awesome. That’s completely commendable. See you in PA for the sprint!
Katie see you in PA
And that my dear, is called true strength!
Thanks Eva!
I found your race recap a fascinating and insightful personal story of introspection. With most things in life, people are driven by motives, demons, passions which are often deeply buried in the psyche. Many motivations that appear on the surface (in many things in life) prove to be false and it is only through the challenge and demands of the human endeavor that the real psychological components of the participant come to the surface. For me, this is the pure beauty of the race. The physical aspects strip away all the false gods and the participant is left completely exposed for all to see. One should not fear or be disappointed in failure to finish the race. One should only fear the inability to go to that place where you are fully exposed and you are all there for everyone (including yourself) to see. As I view it, the Death Race is not a race to the “official” finish line. It is an endeavor to reach each individual’s personal finish line and reach that spot where introspection leads to a complete honesty with oneself and others. I view it like an old friend from third grade. There are no pretensions. No airs. No need to impress. No baloney. No emotional brick walls being erected to protect oneself. The race is designed to just bring out who you are and there is no greater beauty in life than that. In effect, every race one competes in takes a person closer to this place. The Death Race simply takes it the full distance.
Sewell, thank you for your beautiful words.
Margaret – My wife and I really enjoyed meeting you and Forest this weekend, first at the pre race pasta dinner (we arrived with Johnny Waite) and then during the race itself. Keep on doing your thing – you rock!
JT it was fantastic meeting you as well!!
Thanks for your honesty and for the hearfelt description. When I race, I get into a zone — thinking about other people’s expectations just pulls me right out of that. I couldn’t imagine the pressure you must have been feeling — an added obstacle to the race beyond the others they threw at you! Also, for all the things I love about Spartan, I think it’s untrue that the Death Race is the last step in the progression of races (Sprint, then Super, then Beast…). The Death Race is a catagory in and of itself. I think it’s awesome you found YOUR purpose in the race, which is the goal in any challenge — whether it’s 3 miles or 3 days. Congrats!
Thank you Leslie
M,
Unfortunate your Death Race did not go as might have been wished. At the same time I will join the many who have already said it was good to hear you are ok and how so many appreciate all of your tales.
I met you briefly at the Sat Tuxedo Sprint. Took it on alone after my three co-workers bailed out the day before. I “thought” I could just put my head down and get through the course without too many problems.
Silly me.
After about 2 1/2 miles I was trailside with a pretty big calf cramp and was really unsure if I had it in me to go on. I spent a good 1/2 hour leaning on a tree trying to get my calf to loosen up. After 30 minutes of this I was thinking I might have to call for help to get off the hillside when another competitor I had helped earlier to get over a wall came by and thanked me for helping him out.
I was sort of stunned since at that moment I was pretty down. When I got my head back up I just settled into just wishing to finish and doing so as best I could.
It wasn’t pretty and I did finish. Placed 4,450th on the day and I have never been prouder of finishing so far back in the pack as I did on that day.
Reading your comments that are good, tough, bad or great all help. I can’t thank you enough and no matter how you did I am behind you all the way and I know many others are as well.
M – Keep at it.
Persistence is an admirable trait.
Larry
Thanks Larry!